Random Poetry

Its june. The grief is sweating through my skin like an ice cream cone in the summer. 

The months are flying by quicker and quicker. Why did time only stop for me when you died. Was i the only one who truly felt the pain of a sword being slowly pushed into my chest as i gasped for air trying to understand. Why me but most of all why you. What lesson does death teach you. That nothing last forever? The art of detachment and showing you the beauty of the ending of life. I sadly have yet to find the beauty in missing someone forever. I only cry and continue to question myself if i was ever truly ready for life. Im not sure where this one was going im fried its late bye.

upcoming updates/storys

 I also realize there is so many gaps in my writing 😖😖 I will definitely be coming back more often and soon to fill in and actually give you all the details of what the FUCK has been happening but for now i think some poetry will suffice.

hey!

 As the sun still shines ,  my inferno still burns deep. I could say things have gotten better but at what point would it be a lie and my smile fade? The roller coaster of emotions I've dealt with the past year have been traumatizing. Death and grief are something I've grown so familiar with in the last 7 months.

I tried the love thing again and once again.. a failure in that department. I would've thought this was the one. I was truly wrong. We tried and tried and tried and every single time i cut the flowers in my garden trying to prove i was the gardener. I am devastated to have the knowledge that they've moved on. You were truly the one that got away and i will forever love everything we had together but i am here now begging God and the universe to help make me forget you. I can no longer go on like this.

In all i feel like i have completely gone numb to any emotion regarding wanting love or relationships or anything like that. The thought of sex alone is beginning to become repulsive to me. But ill save that for the next bid. 

Softer Eras

 I wasn't as consistent on my journey with blogging this year as i have been before and how i first started. But the ride life took me on alone was overly insane. I fell out of love and back in. Then went on a drinking binge for multiple months , lost my dad, became a god mommy, and a lot more things in between that i feel are only teaching me lessons for what's to come. 

Previously I've mentioned my feeling of wanting more and knowing love eventually one day. I'm so scared to jinx myself but God , I hope this one is the one. I've mentioned before how i love his vibe and from there we've only fallen more and more in love. Which is crazy, i found someone willing to not only love me but everything i come with. Someone willing to actually put everyone else to the side and focus on the important things and me. It seems unreal and i can't fully let myself trust anyone. Especially after all i been through. We got so close way too fast and i don't want to lose him as quick as i found him. He's definitely put me into my feminine softer era where i just wanna be submissive and love. Which sounds so corny lol ughhh fuck me bro what am i doing.

Some people get those happy endings where they meet someone and they love their kids like their own, build a family and get the happy fairy tale ending. I just pray that's what's in my cards. 

Long Time No Blog

Crazy to think where I am currently in life. I would’ve never thought that life would bring me here but , I’m still here nonetheless.

Through the ups and downs though I feel like I’ve found a sense of myself. Going out more and posting more.

”Networking” as some would prefer to it. I just enjoy the spontaneous trips and side missions life has been throwing at me. Still knee deep and overly doing for my kids as I should. But along the way I notice something still missing. See I found a love so sweet and tender. So soft yet strong and my ego I would like to think messed it up.

I found small red flags in myself that I hate but can’t help but to reason with. There’s reasoning for everything I feel. Growing up how I did inflicted more trauma on me than I like to admit. But it’s there. I miss my person though.

JUNE 25

 The month of June was nice to me. In the beginning i worried. I was still trying to adjust to the minor shit about moving and being all the way out the way. I know the best way for me to get over things are to stay busy so i did. Even the smallest things. Being around family always helped me through anything. Well most things. Within the first few weeks of being up here i started talking to someone who just peaked my interest. He gassed my head yea but he also just gave me a vibe i thought felt familiar. We'll dive more into that little detour later though. For the most part though the month of June was the month i started to get back to myself. I did all my maintenance from head to toe. Got back to being a sexy baddie.  It was the start of something new for sure though. 

Return of slicckkkk

 Back in this bitch. I took a break from this for the simple fact i couldnt really bring my situation into words. Shit was just happening and i was pretty speechless. But ill update yall soon enough about that bullshit. Overall im just happy to still be here and pushing. Grateful for everyday and fuck everyone against me. They really wish they could get in with me! Lol im bullshitting now but once im done with dinner ill get back to updating and spilling sauce.