Softer Eras

 I wasn't as consistent on my journey with blogging this year as i have been before and how i first started. But the ride life took me on alone was overly insane. I fell out of love and back in. Then went on a drinking binge for multiple months , lost my dad, became a god mommy, and a lot more things in between that i feel are only teaching me lessons for what's to come. 

Previously I've mentioned my feeling of wanting more and knowing love eventually one day. I'm so scared to jinx myself but God , I hope this one is the one. I've mentioned before how i love his vibe and from there we've only fallen more and more in love. Which is crazy, i found someone willing to not only love me but everything i come with. Someone willing to actually put everyone else to the side and focus on the important things and me. It seems unreal and i can't fully let myself trust anyone. Especially after all i been through. We got so close way too fast and i don't want to lose him as quick as i found him. He's definitely put me into my feminine softer era where i just wanna be submissive and love. Which sounds so corny lol ughhh fuck me bro what am i doing.

Some people get those happy endings where they meet someone and they love their kids like their own, build a family and get the happy fairy tale ending. I just pray that's what's in my cards. 

Long Time No Blog

Crazy to think where I am currently in life. I would’ve never thought that life would bring me here but , I’m still here nonetheless.

Through the ups and downs though I feel like I’ve found a sense of myself. Going out more and posting more.

”Networking” as some would prefer to it. I just enjoy the spontaneous trips and side missions life has been throwing at me. Still knee deep and overly doing for my kids as I should. But along the way I notice something still missing. See I found a love so sweet and tender. So soft yet strong and my ego I would like to think messed it up.

I found small red flags in myself that I hate but can’t help but to reason with. There’s reasoning for everything I feel. Growing up how I did inflicted more trauma on me than I like to admit. But it’s there. I miss my person though.

JUNE 25

 The month of June was nice to me. In the beginning i worried. I was still trying to adjust to the minor shit about moving and being all the way out the way. I know the best way for me to get over things are to stay busy so i did. Even the smallest things. Being around family always helped me through anything. Well most things. Within the first few weeks of being up here i started talking to someone who just peaked my interest. He gassed my head yea but he also just gave me a vibe i thought felt familiar. We'll dive more into that little detour later though. For the most part though the month of June was the month i started to get back to myself. I did all my maintenance from head to toe. Got back to being a sexy baddie.  It was the start of something new for sure though. 

Return of slicckkkk

 Back in this bitch. I took a break from this for the simple fact i couldnt really bring my situation into words. Shit was just happening and i was pretty speechless. But ill update yall soon enough about that bullshit. Overall im just happy to still be here and pushing. Grateful for everyday and fuck everyone against me. They really wish they could get in with me! Lol im bullshitting now but once im done with dinner ill get back to updating and spilling sauce. 

 Nope, cant shake this weird ass feeling of something. I cant even begin to describe it.  

It's a mixture of wanting more and knowing i should already be so far. Im my own worst enemy. 

wrote 5/20/2025 : published 6/20/25

More Life

"I thank you for letting me go because i would've never left you alone" 

Sometimes in life we do honestly get comfortable and think certain things will never happen. How funny is it to say what your life will and wont be ? Have you seen God's plan for you ? Do you know the changes he has in store to break and build you? So how can you say what your life will and wont be. Everyday you should just be thankful. Thankful God woke you up or the most high allowed you to end another day untouched and blessed. 

Im in a transitional phase in life and i don't quite know the end game for this path. But i pray it's a rewarding one. I fucked up along the way. We all fuck up. Holding yourself to perfection , you'll only ever see flaws. I tried though. Lord knows i tried and tried and tried until i couldn't anymore. I NEEDED to feel real love. Some kind of affection. Anything to prove im still a person who's worthy. Little did i know i'm the only person who actually deems myself worthy. 

I will be honest and say the change is uncomfortable. But its when your uncomfortable that you make shit start poppin. You step out of that safety net and you get shit going. I've started over and lived so many lives. This shit is nothing to me. I will come out amazing. My kids are forever going to feel and know love. A big set back for a major fucking come back.   

                IM MADE FOR THIS SHIT. IMA GET EVERYTHING I WANT BY THE GRACE OF GOD. 

Doors

 I find it crazy how life throws you curve balls. Like when you feel comfortable , shit will shake up. Of course then again, What the fuck are you doing getting comfortable in life ?? We all take things for granted even if its the small stuff. But the way life will test you is actually amazing because it never fails. You think your done with someone and boom , here they are. You think a certain situation is over and boom, you somehow find yourself still dealing with it in another way. This is also where boundaries and standards and self respect come into play as well. You HAVE to stand on business about yourself and i dont even mean being a bitch and saying FUCK YOU ! Not that at all although.. Sometimes that's the easiest route when dealing with certain people. You just have to know what you want in your life. Your daily intake is actually so important and alot of people fail to realize that. Which is also why everyone is hostile and on edge every second of the day. No one is actually trying to open their own doors and LIVE LIFE HOW THEY WANT. Everyone is living for likes right now. Weird times. 

I often find myself holding back and being inconsistent with my passions. How do i expect my doors to revolve if i cant push through ?! I will admit here that i do sometimes get worried about what people will think. Who can say they honestly dont think that sometimes ? Now i DO NOT live in fear nor hid myself from this sometimey feeling. I just simply withhold my fullest potential. Which is so lame of me lmao. PUSH THROUGH THE UNCOMFORTABLE BITCH AND TURN UP ON THESE FUCKERS!

Current Outlook On Love

 Now as ive previously stated , ive been falling more in love with myself lately and a lot of other people have been too. It's flattering dont get me wrong but oso stressful because im still learning to love myself fully. I came so far from licking love off knives i forgot that the silver spoon to it all starts with myself, I just don't wanna loose sight of what i been fighting for , for so long. Im scared of loving new people but i will always show love. I try my hardest to not LET people fall for me but damn man, i get it lmao. Not even to be arrogant or think im above the rest. I just know a love like mine is different. It's deep when its given out. Not like the regular fuck and duck. I genuinely always end up caring too deep about anyone i love either it be platonically or romantically. I just love to know people i care for are doing good and doing things that make them feel alive and happy. Then i get too caught up with trying to add to their happiness and disappoint myself when things end up one sided. Something i have to comprehend fully is you CANNOT make someone love you back or feel ANY kind of way towards you. I sometimes catch myself thinking "But i did this and i did this , what am i doing wrong?" The reality of it is Nothing. Im Not entirely the problem at all. It's the broken people i choose to love. Forever spreading joy , smiles and love though until i cant anymore! Some people need people like me in their lives just to know what love feels like.

 The past month for me has been a little confusing. Not in the normal, " ahhh what is my purpose in life" But more so like why is this all happening all of a sudden. Change is such a weird feeling and thing to go through. We dont ever actually realize when something is changing until it has, unless its like subtle obvious change that is you know , OBVIOUS. I guess my head has been wrapped around the amount of people and things my life is bringing back to me. Im being more social. Trying to gain more confidence and patience and overall be an amazing mom and person. I feel like ive said that last sentence so many times but honestly gaining and mastering those small things are my end goal with of course a few more good attributes. Random but i also overcame whatever body dysmorphia ive been battling over the years. I realized recently i actually am so beautiful & my body is tea as the commoners say lmao. But as for love oh lets chop it up on another one to really get a piece of how im feeling lately about love.

Performance Anxiety

 Been a minute ! But im always better than the last time. Or at least i try to be. 

Life the past month has been short of eventful. I visited family and tried to get back to who i really am at the core. Why am i so obsessed with figuring this out ? Im at peace with the things i battled with mentally before. I should be grateful for my everyday life. I AM grateful. But i know this isn't living at my fullest potential. I have to jump head first at everything that im scared of. I hate admitting that at all. Being scared of anything. But in reality i am, i start feeling like everyone is starring at me and time has suddenly stopped. Focusing on me. Now lately ive been snapping myself out of the occasional social anxiety by simply telling myself "Nobody gives a fuck" "Nobody cares that much to worry about you". But its so hard when in the moment your sweating fucking bullets and shaking trying to be normal. 

Online my presence is a bit easier to give off. I can simply upload something or delete it as i please. Granted some people probably think im bat shit crazy, Fuck it. Why not post who you really are and post the things you actually do everyday. Not the rich facade of living a fancy life, having luxurious items and all these riches when in reality, They are come and go's. I dont know i'd just much rather let my soul sing. Unapologetically. Showing the real and raw versions of life and myself. BUT THAT SHIT SO HARD WHEN YOU GOT PERFORMANCE ANXIETY OR ANXIETY AT ALL! 

Random thoughts

Sitting here on my couch smoking as i type this. 

What makes a human being complete ? I know everyone has different things that they could say "Oh this is my world i couldn't live without it" But once that thing or person goes away.. they continue to live.  The entire thought of not being able to live without something is unrealistic unless your talking about your organs needed to function. Now you in a literal sense need those yk. FUCK this smoke keeps getting in my eye cause im smoking like a mobster or some shit lmao. Anyway, What makes people complete. Nothing in my opinion. No matter how high you go up the ladder and how successful you get you will always want more. Wanting more is not a bad thing. But the line between being wanting more and being greedy sadly are thin. Greed overshadows all the work you do and your seen as some what of a fein for your fix. Wanting more is good but bad depending on the situation being looked at. Wanting more candy bad. Wanting to leave a shitty job good. The situation is the greatest factor really so im getting no where with that entire thing. 

What im trying to get at is, I have been so fixated on what will complete me as a human being and mother, that i never realized, it is okay not being complete. The end and dying is being complete. Completing life and conquering the everyday battles, those years that add up along the way are all just steps up the ladder. When we live in the moment and make life altering decisions, those are us just going up and down the ladder, taking breaks or sprinting faster in the race of life. 

I dont need to search for anything to complete me. I am fine the way i am and granted, i have my flaws, i still remain a loving and amazing woman. I have some bad habits but we all do and i cant beat myself up for them. Im not shaped perfect but there are people who love and admire every inch of me. And i need to learn to appreciate who i am. 

Accountability?

 i might've over estimated how ready i was for this year. The hits are coming left and right for sure. 

Um, i don't know i just need a break from everything. Everyone. What I'm doing right now isn't enough.. it isn't recharging me like i thought it would. So after today I'm gonna sign off everything i haven't already and just lock the fuck in. Legit this time. I can't keep fucking up. I write this with tears in my eyes cause im just so unsatisfied with life right. Killing myself was an option 3/4 years ago. Now i can't even consider it cause of my kids. I try not to be selfish in the aspect because they're too young to know anything going on right now. Life just sucks in all honesty. This morning I woke up after a horrible nightmare and it really opened my eyes to say the very least. I'm trying not to let life break me and it seems every time i come up for air I'm pushing back into the sea of despair. I don't know where this will all end. 

I'm gonna stay off my socials and just regularly drop something on here every other day. Keep track of the progress and .. i don't know. My mind is so clustered and i cant stop crying. It's time for serious change. How am i in love with myself yet i absolutely HATE who i am? .. where does that make sense ? 

I love my lore. Im so deeply passionate about life. I hate my desire for novelty and need for constant validation of love. 

Things are different this time. I'm gonna be different this time. Life is gonna change in a good way. But the constant trauma lashes and reminders won't work anymore. This lifestyle won't work anymore. 

3/2/25

 Blogging before i hop on the game and make niggas mad lol.

Today went actually extremely well. I appreciated life a little more today. I been crammed in the house and to either at work or home. Haven't ate out or went to anyone's house or anything the entire month lol. Just been stacking shit. So today after church when we were invited to have a day at the park with all the kids to just unwind and relax, we couldn't miss the opportunity. We all needed the air and time away from being up under each other. But being at the park and around the other kids from different people and families and seeing my family and the kids i brought just made me appreciate life. You really have no clue what kids go through at home and how much of a breather the park is. We went to Dyer park since the PGA was closed. Idk man, it's just the small advantages of things im grateful for. We don't get out as much as we should and that is something i wanna change this year. Just letting my kids experience life even when its the small things you know.  

Who is lala ?

 If someone asked me this question in person i would probably ugly smile and say something sheik. 

Lala is still putting the pieces together but for now she is love. She is an amazing mother of 2 beautiful kids that look up to her everyday. Lala is the black sheep but always defined any barrier that stood in her way. She is a maniac who chooses to love deeply no matter how much she's been hurt. She is thoughtless and goes with the flow.

I tend to not remember who i am sometimes and fall short in loving myself. Everyone has their flaws. It's not like I'm in front of a mirror 24/7 trying to pick and poke imperfections. However it hasn't been as bad as it use to be. I actually love myself now more than i did all the previous years. Its's funny how we feel emotions and the things we feel them for. How they make us stuck. For awhile i realized how much of a hopeless romantic i was and i felt stupid. But then i grow more and realize any love i give is something they needed at the time. I don't run into anyone who is perfect so the souls i come across need me or want me as much as i want them. We both use each other in a way. So i am a hopeless romantic. I'm also charismatic , outgoing and sexy. I'm humble and ambitious and have the persistence of a mockingbird. 

I'm also a lot of bad things too. A liar and deceiver. I am sneaky and conniving. I try to be better than all those things but we all fall to sin in some way. Working on it of course.

In the end i think of Lala as someone who is Beautiful and spontaneous. She is small but loud. She is sensitive but unserious. Curious and nonchalant. She is creative and a star in this universe. Misunderstood, Indecisive, Naive- the list goes on and on. I think you would have to meet her to really see yourself the beauty behind the walls put up.

Lust & Laziness

 Last year i struggled fighting off temptation. I failed actually if I'm being honest. I just .. I'm not sure what it is , the excitement ? The quick feeling of some kind of emotion ? Because i crave attention ? but that's not true its not attention i crave. I've never been loved correctly if were being straightforward. From my parents to my partners. No one has loved me and made me blossom how they should've but its not their job to ? Oh how tiring life is with all the propagandas of what one should be and do.

Anyhow, i failed miserably last year to the Lust and Laziness.  I just didn't see the bright side of things, and played it safe. I have people that lust after me and in reality i just sell dreams. To save myself and them from unnecessary issues(me). Having 2 kids also takes me back from putting myself out into the world like that. Those that fuck with me and get it just do. They know that patience is really the key with me. Having kids also eliminates LOTS of the men that lust after me. A lot of it is simple flirts and relations that don't make it anywhere. I got lost in the art of networking lmao. Yes the compliments are always great to hear and the love is always good to feel. But when it becomes a distraction and you start to expect or desire it, Cut it off. The little bit of a break I've had from my main Instagram account is actually helping me more than i know right now. It also broke off the meaningless relations i had gong before. 

Im working on being a better person and blocking out the distractions that come up. I know the karma I'll probably pay for my actions for the previous year will come and i will have to lay in the bed i made no matter how uncomfortable. God please make me a better woman.

Connecting Dots

 Let me take you all back to the year 2017. I was living with my grandma and like 12 other people in her 2 bedroom house in Lantana FL. Going to Lakeworth Highschool. Thinking life couldnt get worse than what it was and also feeling blessed and like life was worth living. Until i fucked up by letting the devil in. Disguised as a lightskin 6'0 ft boy who was more persistent than anything ive ever known. First sign of trouble. Now ill let you in a little on my mindset back then. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend let alone a lightskin boy.. Lets just say if it wasnt black like my coffee , KEEP IT! But this demon wouldnt let up and i eventually fell victim to the persistence of temptation. From the first night of failing , i signed over 3/4 years of my life to the demon. Some "fun" times but majority of them were fear, pain, hurt and unconscious. Escaping that prison was a cannon event for me. Not only did i get MY life back but i got close with everyone the demon had hid me from. 

Now the year of 2025 , i currently write this with the knowledge that ive become everything i hated once before. Im a liar, cheater, deceiver, i sell dreams and make people feel less of themselves. I use people. Im selfish. Hateful. Sneaky and conniving. How did i become the very think i let break me once before?? Dealing with people now and emotionally abusing them and being a narcissist. How ..did i get here.. How do i stop acting like this and focus and love those who love me? Secluding myself from the world when all i want to do is breathe and live freely. I cant keep living like karma doesnt exist. Fore i know my future holds many nights of reaping. 

Do i pray to God and ask him to strip the lust from my body? Do i beg for forgiveness from my past relations and scream of what a different person i will become? Or do i leave them to heal without me and separate all the parts of me from them. 

I need to cut out the bad habits from myself like a tumor. Because at this point, they're acting like one to my life. A cancer i cant control. But in reality.. why am i like this .. ?  

Evolving ?

 This year is about me. Granted i have kids and their needs will always cone first. This year im going after everything i want. No matter what it may be. Dipping into everything. I get so excited about my future and thinking of it all. The planning and thought of it all is honestly a high itself. Anyhow, being lazy and doubting myself will lead me no where near my dreams. 

ONWARD TO GREATNESS!! 

LaLaLaLa

Sometimes when i catch  myself liking someone i notice how weird i get. I always make things uncomfortable or uncertain. The other person is always like ?????? lmao. I mirror people alot as well. I read up on that and its some disorder or whatever you wanna call it. All i know is i no longer truly care to find a love of my own. I found myself being okay with the comfort of few. Now this isnt me saying lets have a fuck fest. No. Im actually not attracted or i dont actually care to know someone like that again. Lets skip the basics and act like we knew eachother for years and be how humans were suppose to be. The stigma on that could have me typing all night. Anyways, I gotta stop liking people or leading people on. Lately ive just been entertaining anyone and thing giving my energy to mindless relations. In the reality im trying to jugg but to what means ?

fUCK

 Im thankful for everyday the Lord gives me. But sometimes im really stuck. Not exactly in finding my purpose but just how to move forward and be as progressive as i can be. Reverting back to old ways will be my demise in a way but there are so many vices i could blame.. Or people too. But accountability is the way this year. I cant keep being a bad person is all i know. Ive quite literally become exactly what broke me. How strange is that.

LOL

Back on bullshit. I hate the back and fourth bullshit as well. Too grown to be having to deal with stupid situations and destroying shit i work my ass off for ??? Will lead you to a road you can never come back down. A dead fucking end forreal. In all seriousness , im just tired of not knowing what exactly to do about certain people and situations. When it comes to friends i really dont have shit to say to anyone. When it comes to relations and situationships , fuck everyone i was dealing with. I hate to sound cliche but this run is personalll ! Yall not hearing me frfr lol. Mind you im on here talking to myself. Im bouta drop some advice bombs.

Changes Changes Changes

 In a world where i swore everything would always be copasetic, calm , or remain still. Everything's shifted tremendously. Shifted may be an understatement in itself.. God humbled me very hard this week. 

It was a wake up call and blessing in one.  

How long can you be comfortable with the same old thing if its not what you truly want?

 How long can you be stuck in a place where you aren't able to truly be yourself? 

Not long. God will never let you have peace in anything you weren't meant to settle in. 

Change is good. Change is bad. Change is different. Change is something inevitable. 

You have to see the blessing in everything you come across. Thank God for any and everything. 

Flow Poetry

 Every night im hit with the uncertain feeling of being alone. Im never really alone in the physical which is what so ironic. But mentally no one is near mw, Like a long road with the next neighbor 100 miles out. Ive screamed my way down the road hoping for a sign of comfort and relevance. Nothing, nothing useful at least. Instead im faced with a pile of uncertainty. Left to figure out what it is u truly want in life and question my purpose. What the fuck am i actually talking about right now lol  

?

 I've been feeling like I'm in a limbo. Stuck and disassociated from the rest of the world. Im not exactly sure how to come about spreading awareness of myself or rather how i let others in on my "Lore". Life is strange right now and im honestly just trying to survive.. again. That is not the motive. Fuck. 

 The year of 2024 was a rollercoaster , from the beginning to end. January i had Delilah and adjusted to having 2 kids. Being a mom in total is insane to me and the way my life did a whole 360. All thanks to God in the end. Overall i think last year was the year of Realization and Stabilizing my emotions.  

It went by so fast, but i also reconnected with a lot of people from my childhood and met some new mutuals that i enjoy having conversations with. But still no actual friends somehow. Just acquaintances. 

Throwing away broken bricks

 Last year i came to the realization that someone i was once so obsessed over and held up to this standard in my mind. Was actually just your average joe who really didn't care if we even spoke or not. Nothing wrong in being average! But i swore this was someone who seen me and cared for my interests. Overall also gave me a reminder of who i was as well. In a few ways,  I know previous toxic relations I've had , have always somehow destroyed or interfered with my friendships with others. But that's narcissistic behavior on someone else's part. Why was i being shamed and blamed for it ? Understandable i try keeping any part of me related to love, separated from all the rest of me. But it's hard getting over someone who you wanted so bad. Very bittersweet, yet beautiful in knowing their doing okay and alive. Yes the communication may not be what it was, but at least God let me get to know you. 

Wishing well and biding goodbye <3

THE QUEEN IS BACK !

 How i managed to skip an entire year of entries is is beyond me lol. So the next few posts will be dedicated to 2024's ride. Overall the year wasn't exactly the worst, but not my best either. Better than the previous one though for sure. Anyhow , i came into this year with the mindset that , really when i stop self sabotaging myself. I will be able to take over the world. People really think i'm joking when i say that line too haha. No i'm like drop dead serious. However, im my own worst enemy. But as for now WERE SO BACK AHAHAHA :)