Lust & Laziness

 Last year i struggled fighting off temptation. I failed actually if I'm being honest. I just .. I'm not sure what it is , the excitement ? The quick feeling of some kind of emotion ? Because i crave attention ? but that's not true its not attention i crave. I've never been loved correctly if were being straightforward. From my parents to my partners. No one has loved me and made me blossom how they should've but its not their job to ? Oh how tiring life is with all the propagandas of what one should be and do.

Anyhow, i failed miserably last year to the Lust and Laziness.  I just didn't see the bright side of things, and played it safe. I have people that lust after me and in reality i just sell dreams. To save myself and them from unnecessary issues(me). Having 2 kids also takes me back from putting myself out into the world like that. Those that fuck with me and get it just do. They know that patience is really the key with me. Having kids also eliminates LOTS of the men that lust after me. A lot of it is simple flirts and relations that don't make it anywhere. I got lost in the art of networking lmao. Yes the compliments are always great to hear and the love is always good to feel. But when it becomes a distraction and you start to expect or desire it, Cut it off. The little bit of a break I've had from my main Instagram account is actually helping me more than i know right now. It also broke off the meaningless relations i had gong before. 

Im working on being a better person and blocking out the distractions that come up. I know the karma I'll probably pay for my actions for the previous year will come and i will have to lay in the bed i made no matter how uncomfortable. God please make me a better woman.

Connecting Dots

 Let me take you all back to the year 2017. I was living with my grandma and like 12 other people in her 2 bedroom house in Lantana FL. Going to Lakeworth Highschool. Thinking life couldnt get worse than what it was and also feeling blessed and like life was worth living. Until i fucked up by letting the devil in. Disguised as a lightskin 6'0 ft boy who was more persistent than anything ive ever known. First sign of trouble. Now ill let you in a little on my mindset back then. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend let alone a lightskin boy.. Lets just say if it wasnt black like my coffee , KEEP IT! But this demon wouldnt let up and i eventually fell victim to the persistence of temptation. From the first night of failing , i signed over 3/4 years of my life to the demon. Some "fun" times but majority of them were fear, pain, hurt and unconscious. Escaping that prison was a cannon event for me. Not only did i get MY life back but i got close with everyone the demon had hid me from. 

Now the year of 2025 , i currently write this with the knowledge that ive become everything i hated once before. Im a liar, cheater, deceiver, i sell dreams and make people feel less of themselves. I use people. Im selfish. Hateful. Sneaky and conniving. How did i become the very think i let break me once before?? Dealing with people now and emotionally abusing them and being a narcissist. How ..did i get here.. How do i stop acting like this and focus and love those who love me? Secluding myself from the world when all i want to do is breathe and live freely. I cant keep living like karma doesnt exist. Fore i know my future holds many nights of reaping. 

Do i pray to God and ask him to strip the lust from my body? Do i beg for forgiveness from my past relations and scream of what a different person i will become? Or do i leave them to heal without me and separate all the parts of me from them. 

I need to cut out the bad habits from myself like a tumor. Because at this point, they're acting like one to my life. A cancer i cant control. But in reality.. why am i like this .. ?  

Evolving ?

 This year is about me. Granted i have kids and their needs will always cone first. This year im going after everything i want. No matter what it may be. Dipping into everything. I get so excited about my future and thinking of it all. The planning and thought of it all is honestly a high itself. Anyhow, being lazy and doubting myself will lead me no where near my dreams. 

ONWARD TO GREATNESS!! 

LaLaLaLa

Sometimes when i catch  myself liking someone i notice how weird i get. I always make things uncomfortable or uncertain. The other person is always like ?????? lmao. I mirror people alot as well. I read up on that and its some disorder or whatever you wanna call it. All i know is i no longer truly care to find a love of my own. I found myself being okay with the comfort of few. Now this isnt me saying lets have a fuck fest. No. Im actually not attracted or i dont actually care to know someone like that again. Lets skip the basics and act like we knew eachother for years and be how humans were suppose to be. The stigma on that could have me typing all night. Anyways, I gotta stop liking people or leading people on. Lately ive just been entertaining anyone and thing giving my energy to mindless relations. In the reality im trying to jugg but to what means ?

fUCK

 Im thankful for everyday the Lord gives me. But sometimes im really stuck. Not exactly in finding my purpose but just how to move forward and be as progressive as i can be. Reverting back to old ways will be my demise in a way but there are so many vices i could blame.. Or people too. But accountability is the way this year. I cant keep being a bad person is all i know. Ive quite literally become exactly what broke me. How strange is that.

LOL

Back on bullshit. I hate the back and fourth bullshit as well. Too grown to be having to deal with stupid situations and destroying shit i work my ass off for ??? Will lead you to a road you can never come back down. A dead fucking end forreal. In all seriousness , im just tired of not knowing what exactly to do about certain people and situations. When it comes to friends i really dont have shit to say to anyone. When it comes to relations and situationships , fuck everyone i was dealing with. I hate to sound cliche but this run is personalll ! Yall not hearing me frfr lol. Mind you im on here talking to myself. Im bouta drop some advice bombs.