Random thoughts

Sitting here on my couch smoking as i type this. 

What makes a human being complete ? I know everyone has different things that they could say "Oh this is my world i couldn't live without it" But once that thing or person goes away.. they continue to live.  The entire thought of not being able to live without something is unrealistic unless your talking about your organs needed to function. Now you in a literal sense need those yk. FUCK this smoke keeps getting in my eye cause im smoking like a mobster or some shit lmao. Anyway, What makes people complete. Nothing in my opinion. No matter how high you go up the ladder and how successful you get you will always want more. Wanting more is not a bad thing. But the line between being wanting more and being greedy sadly are thin. Greed overshadows all the work you do and your seen as some what of a fein for your fix. Wanting more is good but bad depending on the situation being looked at. Wanting more candy bad. Wanting to leave a shitty job good. The situation is the greatest factor really so im getting no where with that entire thing. 

What im trying to get at is, I have been so fixated on what will complete me as a human being and mother, that i never realized, it is okay not being complete. The end and dying is being complete. Completing life and conquering the everyday battles, those years that add up along the way are all just steps up the ladder. When we live in the moment and make life altering decisions, those are us just going up and down the ladder, taking breaks or sprinting faster in the race of life. 

I dont need to search for anything to complete me. I am fine the way i am and granted, i have my flaws, i still remain a loving and amazing woman. I have some bad habits but we all do and i cant beat myself up for them. Im not shaped perfect but there are people who love and admire every inch of me. And i need to learn to appreciate who i am. 

Accountability?

 i might've over estimated how ready i was for this year. The hits are coming left and right for sure. 

Um, i don't know i just need a break from everything. Everyone. What I'm doing right now isn't enough.. it isn't recharging me like i thought it would. So after today I'm gonna sign off everything i haven't already and just lock the fuck in. Legit this time. I can't keep fucking up. I write this with tears in my eyes cause im just so unsatisfied with life right. Killing myself was an option 3/4 years ago. Now i can't even consider it cause of my kids. I try not to be selfish in the aspect because they're too young to know anything going on right now. Life just sucks in all honesty. This morning I woke up after a horrible nightmare and it really opened my eyes to say the very least. I'm trying not to let life break me and it seems every time i come up for air I'm pushing back into the sea of despair. I don't know where this will all end. 

I'm gonna stay off my socials and just regularly drop something on here every other day. Keep track of the progress and .. i don't know. My mind is so clustered and i cant stop crying. It's time for serious change. How am i in love with myself yet i absolutely HATE who i am? .. where does that make sense ? 

I love my lore. Im so deeply passionate about life. I hate my desire for novelty and need for constant validation of love. 

Things are different this time. I'm gonna be different this time. Life is gonna change in a good way. But the constant trauma lashes and reminders won't work anymore. This lifestyle won't work anymore. 

3/2/25

 Blogging before i hop on the game and make niggas mad lol.

Today went actually extremely well. I appreciated life a little more today. I been crammed in the house and to either at work or home. Haven't ate out or went to anyone's house or anything the entire month lol. Just been stacking shit. So today after church when we were invited to have a day at the park with all the kids to just unwind and relax, we couldn't miss the opportunity. We all needed the air and time away from being up under each other. But being at the park and around the other kids from different people and families and seeing my family and the kids i brought just made me appreciate life. You really have no clue what kids go through at home and how much of a breather the park is. We went to Dyer park since the PGA was closed. Idk man, it's just the small advantages of things im grateful for. We don't get out as much as we should and that is something i wanna change this year. Just letting my kids experience life even when its the small things you know.  

Who is lala ?

 If someone asked me this question in person i would probably ugly smile and say something sheik. 

Lala is still putting the pieces together but for now she is love. She is an amazing mother of 2 beautiful kids that look up to her everyday. Lala is the black sheep but always defined any barrier that stood in her way. She is a maniac who chooses to love deeply no matter how much she's been hurt. She is thoughtless and goes with the flow.

I tend to not remember who i am sometimes and fall short in loving myself. Everyone has their flaws. It's not like I'm in front of a mirror 24/7 trying to pick and poke imperfections. However it hasn't been as bad as it use to be. I actually love myself now more than i did all the previous years. Its's funny how we feel emotions and the things we feel them for. How they make us stuck. For awhile i realized how much of a hopeless romantic i was and i felt stupid. But then i grow more and realize any love i give is something they needed at the time. I don't run into anyone who is perfect so the souls i come across need me or want me as much as i want them. We both use each other in a way. So i am a hopeless romantic. I'm also charismatic , outgoing and sexy. I'm humble and ambitious and have the persistence of a mockingbird. 

I'm also a lot of bad things too. A liar and deceiver. I am sneaky and conniving. I try to be better than all those things but we all fall to sin in some way. Working on it of course.

In the end i think of Lala as someone who is Beautiful and spontaneous. She is small but loud. She is sensitive but unserious. Curious and nonchalant. She is creative and a star in this universe. Misunderstood, Indecisive, Naive- the list goes on and on. I think you would have to meet her to really see yourself the beauty behind the walls put up.