Accepting

 Im becoming a more understanding person all around. I get that nobody will put their life on pause for you and check up on you. You have to be the one to get up and take control of your mood, your situation and your future. Ive also come to the realization that you cannot force nobody to have the same feelings as you do. Forcing them to reciprocate the same affection you give or actions is absurd. They will have their own reasons and logics for why they think and feel what they should do and who they should do it with. If you arent that person then what else is there to do besides get a grip and move on. Now that was a lesson i did have to learn over the majority of the year. If they wanted to they would. I wasnt chosen and it hurt and broke me a little bit but it did humble me for the better and now looking back at the situation .. I was love bombing looking stupid because it was all one sided. But ill never be a hater. Thats something you gotta remember. Never get too deep and never hate them for not feeling the same. Pick the signs up and ask. Be outspoken. Get your answers you stay up late thinking about. Its better than overthinking and killing your own sanity. But as i was saying , always route from the bleachers if your cant be on the sidelines with 'em. With that being said im pretty sure im done with that chapter for good. Even onto the next year. A friendship would be lovely but how can i be friends with someone i wanted to know and love. So i think for my own sanity and wellbeing. Im done.

Mondays

 Also i do find it wild the way the universe has been working. Monday after monday i waited and looked endlessly to see if you would be there and you weren't. You shut me out no matter how you want to see it. And the moment i decide im better, i was tripping the last few weeks, you come back. On a monday, having the audacity. Its funny but i now know , where your mind really is somewhat. How you operate. And i think after that. I'm good.. I do still find myself checking up. But As i write this i realize. You do just use me. Not for just anything but for your own pleasure. It was fun at first but now. Im hurt. Now im a little unsettled about you. 

OutGrowing.

 The lesson i learned that i didnt want to is, you outgrow people. You simply just become 2 different people with different interests and you begin to become annoyed by the other persons actions. Once it does get to that point i feel like you can either mend and speak on it or just let it die. I never wanted a certain friendship to die. And i held on, she held on. But in the end i realize.. maybe this is something that was long overdue. Something that was bound to happen. The little snake shit we've done back and fourth is what shouldve ended it to  begin with but both being naive , we continued. Sometimes outgrowing a great friendship is almost like a heartbreak. But in the ending of this one , seperating mself only felt like the best thing i could do. If your loyalty is changed when your not sober, were you ever really loyal my friend?.. It hurts but i put it to an end. 

Still pushing.

 As wild as the rides been. Its been a journey. Ive spent more time getting my future in line and worrying about the nows.. for the most part. Of course my mind is still going a million other ways at maximum speed but , its been more peaceful? I can see the life i wanted so badly being so close and its exciting yet scary. Ive come too far to quit and let anything/one stop me.

Slight Thoughts on break.

 As i've started to open up more and let the ones closest to me and around me know my current situation. Its hard only because, this isnt something i planned, again. But something ive been forced to deal with because of my actions.  Consequences but i have to look at them like blessings. I know the lord will never give me a battle im not strong enough to fight. Because if we're talking about his strongest soliders....

Then we would be talking about the ones who get brutally murdered, or the ones that were raped and molested with trauma forever. The ones who were abused by loved ones and ones they barely knew. The heart broken and lost souls that are signed into the war of life as soliders to battle everyday. Those , those are the toughest. Those are the souls that god himself knows , needs saving and he gives us these battles so we will remember and turn to the one almighty god. For saving , for thanks , for praise.

The lord will give you battles to beat so you can see, he will never let the enemy make you fall lower than your knees, because even down on your knees , when believing in the lord and knowing he is the only savior and almighty, then will you see that. You have to go through every single problem in your life , to be where the lord wants you to be. 

 The past few days i have been trying to come on here and be more consistent and have more discipline within myself. Its been hard cause i have since last week. Instead ive picked the laptop up, let it sit by me for hours while i occupied myself with something else that doesnt benefit me in any way. Distracting and Procrastinating facing some self evaluation. I pray for the days that im stable enough to be able to get up at 5 AM , pray and just rethink my dreams , take them all in and be grateful for another day. After, getting up and dominating every task of my day. Starting with a light but healthy breakfast, stretching , working out, reading, writing and planning. Then off to the world to spread love in every way. Waking up my son and family with breakfast , organizing their days for them to make everything less stressful. Loving my life everyday im alive. Eventually ill get there and everything will be worth the journey. But as for right now , were just content nd grateful. 

 Lmao i know yall be like what the fuck is she talking about now? Im bouta drop some poetry on yall in a few. Everything makes sense better when I'm rhyming on some real shit. Enjoy and remember this is ALL ME. So if you feel connected to any piece you may find on here, by all means use it to your liking, but don't be biting my shit as if its your own. 

 Love never does me any good. But will i ever stop loving? No. Never. Ill continue to spread love and positivity within myself, my life and to others. Being filled with hate and regret helps no one in the end. 

One of the realist quotes i seen via instagram, " When you arent fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives." And for awhile i lived like that. Until now. I will love until my heart stops beating. And even in my spiritual form being nothing but energy, ill still cast out love. I pray doing so, i not only recieve the love i project but also learn to teach others.

 Im tired. Of always having to repeat things and there never being a change. Im the only person to blame though for there not being one. I want the most perfect life for me and my children. As right now i may only have one, i am in the early stages of another pregnancy. Another child. Another soul. Another reason. Although i feel like im drowning in my life already , this topped it all off. The everyday stress of thinking , will i be enough of a mother for them? I want a family made with love not accidents or slip ups. I try my hardest to stay strong minded and always fall short to the line. They say the lord takes away everyone you want to show you hes all you will need. Im ready. Im tired lord. Please , hear my cries. 

 Ill get better one day.

 All the love letters and poems ive written on you alone is disgusting to think about and almost makes me sick to the point of my stomach knotting up. What purpose did knowing you and going through all that bullshit have? Nothing positive came from that shit we went through with eachother. Whatever you wanna call , what we had, it felt so deep to me.. Like i knew you before we met. But in reality i think my lust addiction got the best of me. I do have that horrible problem. Lusting over people , becoming obsessive and crazy someone who isnt mine. Knowing that you probably would never be mine the first time i shouldve stopped myself. But i couldnt help it, i needed you. I thought i needed you. Everything in you just intrigued me so bad. Your style, personality, schedule, your mind and silence even spoke volumes to me. Did i ever feel like you might feel the same? Never. Realizing that i shouldve cut ties and focused on me while i still had the upper hand. But i kept going, i wanted more and more. Until i finally burned both our hands. Ill try to tuck you away the best i can but it never lasts that long.. Why do i let you have this power over me? .. 

Current life.

 Hello ! To any wild enough to end up here. If youve found this , im either dead, Famous or ive shared this with you. Stumbling upon this google blog and becoming famous isnt something im looking for in all honesty. I just wanna express me. I want my story told. Being such an introvert, having adhd and boarder line bipolar personality disorders, i just cant find a way how. I have like 20 hobbies i guess you could call them. Some good some bad. But i just dont know if their ME. I could be on the strive trying to learn new skate tricks, or sewing a tote bag and bucket hat from scratch for a few days maybe even a solid week. Then im off to soaking in my bed every hour in awake and not at work. The motivational highs and desperate lows. Ill realize i want change, think of it and still soak in the bed until my body hurts from laying on one side, then i switch sides. Why couldnt i do the same with my attitude. When im having a bad mood or feeling my mind start to hurt from the intrusive thoughts, switch. To something more mind pleasing. I dont do enough brain and mind excercises as i should maybe. I need to work on my discipline and so many other things and instead im just stalling myself with everything else. Situations and people. Emotions and thoughts. What purpose will it all serve me ? I just want to find myself and what im worth. Stop giving myself away in situations where i know dont deserve me.