Accountability?

 i might've over estimated how ready i was for this year. The hits are coming left and right for sure. 

Um, i don't know i just need a break from everything. Everyone. What I'm doing right now isn't enough.. it isn't recharging me like i thought it would. So after today I'm gonna sign off everything i haven't already and just lock the fuck in. Legit this time. I can't keep fucking up. I write this with tears in my eyes cause im just so unsatisfied with life right. Killing myself was an option 3/4 years ago. Now i can't even consider it cause of my kids. I try not to be selfish in the aspect because they're too young to know anything going on right now. Life just sucks in all honesty. This morning I woke up after a horrible nightmare and it really opened my eyes to say the very least. I'm trying not to let life break me and it seems every time i come up for air I'm pushing back into the sea of despair. I don't know where this will all end. 

I'm gonna stay off my socials and just regularly drop something on here every other day. Keep track of the progress and .. i don't know. My mind is so clustered and i cant stop crying. It's time for serious change. How am i in love with myself yet i absolutely HATE who i am? .. where does that make sense ? 

I love my lore. Im so deeply passionate about life. I hate my desire for novelty and need for constant validation of love. 

Things are different this time. I'm gonna be different this time. Life is gonna change in a good way. But the constant trauma lashes and reminders won't work anymore. This lifestyle won't work anymore.